At least I can end the story of last night with, “And then I was given a baggie of blow by a gay man with a gun in his pants.”
+5 for no punctuation at all.
+15 because who among us has not wanted to get up on a gurl’s buttcheeks?
+6 for the slow-roll “gurrrrrlllll” at the end. Perfect delivery. Mad sexy.
TOTAL POINTS: 26.
I was going to do a whole post of my latest favorites, but then I recieved THIS AMAZING THING.
OKC Nightly News - Breaking Stories, Celebrity Gossip
Tom: “…happily, after his three-hour long ordeal lost in the sewer, little Johnny the Jack Russell was returned to his highly relieved owner. (Smiling and turning to co-anchor) Warms your heart, doesn’t it? Moving on now, it’s time for our juicy celebrity gossip. Over to Sheila.”
Sheila: “Thanks, Tom. Well, she has been off the paparazzi’s radar for a while now, but the woman known to her fans as [tramp-and-tonic] was briefly sighted today with her entourage. Here’s Jason Bourne.”
CUT TO JASON BOURNE, REPORTING LIVE
Jason: “That’s right, Sheila. [tramp-and-tonic] appears to be back. When she was spotted earlier this afternoon, reportedly on her way to her fashion merchandising class, it was her blue eyes and eye-catching red hair that gave her away to onlooking fans.”
CUT TO PRE-RECORDED INTERVIEW WITH FAN
Overwhelmed fan #1: “Yeah, ohmigod. Yeah I knew it was her because she was drinking a coffee. She likes coffee. I do too. We both like coffee. Anyway, it was her. I knew right away. I wanted to try and get her autograph but I didn’t want to bother her, you know?”
CUT BACK TO JASON BOURNE
Jason: “That’s all the news we have so far, Sheila, but a source close to [tramp-and-tonic] says she may be making an appearance at the opening of a new fabric store later this week. She is known to make a hobby out of garment making. We’ll keep you updated on any new developments. Back to you in the studio.”
CUT BACK TO SHEILA IN THE STUDIO
Sheila: “Some fascinating news there, Jason. Now, back to Tom for the news summary and weather.”
Tom: “Thanks, Sheila. You know, I hope for her fans’ sake that [tramp-and-tonic] shows up to that opening. (Grins inanely) You know they’ll be SEW excited to see her. Heh, heh.”
FADE TO BLACK
FADE INTO SHOT OF [tramp-and-tonic]
She’s reading this message. Smiling, just a little.
CHRIST, people. How long do you guys devote to writing this shit?
(using this picture is one of them)
So, a while back I wrote a couple of posts about The Clinger - a guy I met on OkCupid, had weird bondage-sex with a couple of times, and then couldn’t get rid of.
This was, I realize now, mostly my own fault. I totally should have seen it coming. I totally should never have set up the second booty call. And I TOTALLY should never have agreed to a third encounter - this time an actual, dinner-in-a-public-place date.
1. The thing about The Morning is that it’s actually a very enjoyable time of day. Unfortunately when you’re a pscyhonymphoboozehound, Morning is not something that really happens for you, unless you’re coming at it from the other side. But on this particular morning I have been up for 2.5 hours already, and I can say with certainty that this will be my biggest accomplishment this weekend. So at least there’s that to remember while I chug coffee in a cozy chair in the corner looking like a crazy morning-after train wreck (who also has to go to work in a few hours).
2. You know that whole bullshit wallet-grab-fake-out girls are “supposed” to do on dates to make it seem like they’re going to pay for things? Who came up with that mess? Because I really, REALLY hate that. Can we not just talk about this shit like adults? I’ll be real - if I’m on a date with a guy, I’m assuming he’s paying unless he says otherwise. Maybe I should make more of an effort, but I don’t, and I’m not even really sorry about it. And, like, 99% of the time this is totally fine and I don’t pretend to grab my purse and it’s not a thing. But I guess for other people it’s a thing, and I don’t know, if you’re poor and want some help just fucking ask for it, bro? I’m poor as hell, so I’m not going out of my way to throw money at you. But christ, people. This just doesn’t have to be so awkward.
3. In case you didn’t know, sex is the weirdest thing in the whole entire universe. Seriously. Just…go back and think about a time you had sex while in a completely unarousing setting. Just recreate that in your head for a minute. Like, what in the fuck even is this madness? Why is this fun? WHAT IS THIS HORMONAL VOODOO PHEROMONE MAGIC?
Weird stuff, dude. Just…Weird.
4. In looking back on my sexual history, I realize I have been blessed with relatively good penises. This may sound strange, but I have heard many a tale of unfortunate genitals, and I just haven’t really experienced anything that was so…sub-par. Probably now that I am posting this on the internet I will jinx myself and suddenly b surrounded by all those micro-penises I’ve been somehow avoiding. But as of now - relatively satisfactory.
5. Micro-penises keeps auto-correcting to microorganisms, and it’s still early enough that I find that pretty funny.
6. I don’t know how anybody survived in the world before dry shampoo. My hair LOVES any chance to look like a crazy morning-after boozy rat’s nest, but with the invention of dry shampoo nobody at work will have to know!! Sigh. Thanks, world. It’s the little things.
7. Real posts about real stories coming soon, when I’m not typing everything on touch screen. (Oh god I’m not even going to tell you how long this took me I am the worst at technology)
So, you may or may not have noticed my unannounced hiatus over the past couple of months…
Unfortunately, WanderSlut was discovered by some EXTREMELY unappreciative parties. So, naturally, I had to go underground for a bit.
But here we are! I’ll be operating solely out of tumblr for a bit, until I settle 100% on a new alias. (Tramp and Tonic was my best so far, but I’m still working on it. Suggestions welcome!) Fortunately I saved all of my old posts, so I’ll be moving those over from blogspot to their corresponding tumblr posts. PLUS I’ll be starting new posts as soon as I have time to sit down and write - there are still SO MANY stories to be told. (Including more than enough new material that I’ve continued to…ahem…collect.)
So spread the word! And keep an eye out for more Boozy Sexcapades, and whatnot. (As well as a soon-to-come new twitter and stuff.)